


Cooking with Jim Kirk by Leonard Horatio McCoy, MD

by WeWillSpockYou



Category: McKirk - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 16:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1354153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillSpockYou/pseuds/WeWillSpockYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones tells us all just why Jim has earned his reputation in the kitchen!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cooking with Jim Kirk by Leonard Horatio McCoy, MD

**Author's Note:**

  * For [redford](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redford/gifts).



I know ya’ll have heard a lot of rumors about Jim Kirk and his kitchen prowess. To be honest it’s really more ineptitude than anythin' else, although I am sure Jim would disagree with me. Just so there’s no  room for doubt, I’ll just give ya’ll a few examples of what I’m talkin' about.

There was the time Jim made me a big, yummy batch of oatmeal raisin cookies for my birthday. I was more excited than a duck with a June bug. Anyway, the cookies came out nicely browned and none of them were burned, which in itself is cause for celebration. Jim was even kind enough to get me a nice big glass of milk. I picked one up and took a huge bite and what did I taste? Garlic! Turns out boy wonder used the garlic and butter flavored Pam instead of the non-flavored version, cause a’course everyone loves the flavor of oatmeal raisin garlic cookies. Happy Birthday to _me_.

My grandmother, Miss Elizabeth, is the sweetest woman God ever set on the face of the Earth, and lemme tell ya, she needed every last shred of patience the day Jim set her kitchen curtains on fire. We were in Georgia just vistin' durin' summer break and I was outside working with the horses. Jim was inside sweet talkin' Miss Elizabeth. She could tell instantly how much we loved each other even though we hadn’t told each other yet, so she took Jim under her wing. Told him stories about me as a little boy and wanted to teach him how to make her famous peach cobbler recipe. It’s the one food always guaranteed to put a smile on my face. She figured he’d need to have a weapon in his arsenal for when I was too ornery to manage on his own. Like I said I was out in the barn when all of a sudden I heard a yell from inside the house fit to raise the dead and when I ran inside Miss Elizabeth was yelling at Jim to kindly get the merry hell out of her kitchen. We managed to put the fire out together. “That boy’s cute as bug, God bless his heart Leonard, but pretty don’t pay the bills.” She cautioned me. Neither Jim nor Miss Elizabeth would speak of the incident again.

Personally, the adventures in the kitchen that I tend to remember the most vividly are the ones that ended with a trip to the Emergency Room. One time Jim thought it would be a great idea to make ice cream shakes. Who could argue with that? I mean it’s not like there was a heat source or a point of ignition involved, right? So yeah, I went out and bought a half gallon of butter pecan, my favorite and a half gallon of Jim’s favorite, rocky road, which was probably an omen. Anyway, Jim made my shake first and was cleanin' the blender when all of a sudden he was yellin' blue murder and there was blood all over the sink. We spent an hour in the ER waitin for a doctor to free up so he could stitch Humpty back together again. Never did get my shake and Jim left the rocky road out on the counter, what a melty mess that was, let me tell you.

Staying with the theme of the blender, I remember when Jim wanted us to start drinking fruit smoothies or protein shakes or somethin' equally dumb. Jim had cut up bananas and strawberries, all without cuttin' himself, which, may I add is also somethin' of an accomplishment. Anywhoooo, he dumped the fruit into the blender, again without cuttin' himself and hit puree. Unfortunately for Jim and my best white button down, he’d neglected to put the lid on the blender. I guess when your husband doesn’t lose a finger in the tryin', ruinin' a good shirt isn’t the worst possible outcome.

My favorite Jim Kirk quote of all time, well exceptin ‘I do’ a’course is this, “Reading instructions means nothing when cooking. There is a lot of assumed knowledge. No one explains what words mean.” How right Jim was, evidenced by the time he tried to make brownies for me. I think now is a good time to tell y’all that for Jim’s protection and for the sake of my homeowner’s insurance premiums, I no longer allow him to bake for me.  Anyway, Jim was makin' brownies and some of the words stumped our favorite boy genius. For example Jim didn’t know there was a difference between bakin' power and talcum powder. Honest mistake, right? Then there’s the vanilla, which also stumped Captain James Tiberius Perfect Hair, so he used vanilla yogurt. Not to mention the fact that Jim didn’t understand the concept of measurin' cups and was usin' wine and highball glasses to measure ingredients. Needless to say we needed to buy a new brownie pan after this incident and we no longer allow talcum powder in the house.

One of the mottos of the Kirk-McCoy household is: ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS check inside the oven. In fact I had it made into a plaque and gave it to Jim one year for Christmas! Why is this our motto? Good question! One year Jim and I were involved with the Greater Atlanta Easter Egg Hunt and we bought a literal ton of Easter Candy; bags and bags of jelly beans, flocks of those yellow marshmellowy chickens, foil wrapped chocolate eggs, enough chocolate bunnies to start a rabbit farm and huge bags of that plastic green grass ya use to line Easter baskets. What does the horde of Easter candy have to do with the oven? A timeless question of our age…well Jim needed a place to hide the candy. You see where this is goin', right? Well I came home later that day and turned the oven on to preheat so I could bake some chicken for dinner and about ten minutes later it smelled like Christmas; yummy warm sugar and chocolate, so I wondered if the neighbors were bakin' and I could smell it through the windows…which were closed. Well I hauled my fanny to the kitchen an opened the oven door to an Easter apocalypse, the likes of which the world is never likely to see again. It was a molten river of chocolate, liquefied yellow, marshmallow lava and did I mention the smell of melted plastic? All of this began to ooze out of my oven, which I slammed shut. Instead of renting a jack hammer to get the oven clean again, we just started over and bought a new one. I also feel the need to point out that after this little “incident” I no longer allow Jim to touch the oven without proper parental supervision.

So ya see, the problem with that last story is parental supervision only applied to the oven. I was soon to realize the error of my ways. Jim had the flu, which is a catastrophe with a capital “C” to begin with and I got called in for an emergency at the hospital. Jim assured me he would be okay to heat up a can of soup for himself later on and repeatedly promised me he would shut the burner off and not leave any paper towels near the flat top, because they incinerate…don’t ask, I still have flashbacks and now we own 103 fire extinguishers. Which reminds me, make sure your smoke detectors have fresh batteries, just a little public service announcement from me to you. Where was I? Oh yeah, the soup. Another thing Jim Kirk is legendary for is his lack of patience. Instead of puttin' the soup on medium heat, like the can advises, and I mean heck, you gotta figure the people who MANUFACTURE soup for a livin' know how to cook their product, right? Jim puts the heat on high and walks away. Well his Nyquil must'a kicked in or somethin' because the fireman knockin' on the door is what woke Jim up. After the “paper towel affair” as it came to be known, we had our alarm system wired into the local fire department. Hell we pay our taxes we deserve a perk or two and it keeps the whole neighborhood safe…Anyway, the firemen saved Jim and our house. The pot and the cooktop were a complete loss. We are now Gold Club Members at the appliance warehouse. Salesmen’s eyes light up with glee when they see us comin'. Jim and I have made those buggers a fortune!

"SO you see everyone, that’s why we don’t let Daddy Jim cook anymore!"

“That is so unfair Bones I’ve had a lot of successes in my life.” Jim smiled at his family though the view screen. He had been taking still pictures of them during the entire conversation. They were all piled in their king sized bed together. It was a family tradition when Jim was gone on diplomatic missions, the kids would climb into bed with Bones and they would all vid chat with him before bedtime. Bones was in the middle with one year old Jade snuggled in his lap, her dark brown hair swept into a messy ponytail. A pile of her blankets and stuffed animals made Bones almost invisible. On Bones’ left was three year old Jackson who was wearing his Green Lantern Tee shirt, his deep blue eyes shining at his father, lastly on Bones’ right was his twin brother Jamie who was dressed in a Captain America shirt. Also involved in the chat was the Kirk-McCoy family dog, a big black lab named Nova who way laying on the other side of Jackson his head resting on the little boy’s legs and the family cat, Mr. Spock who was casually licking his privates.

“Yeah, but none of those successes are fit for little ears, Jim.”

“What are you talking about Bones, my entire view screen is filled with my greatest successes.” Jim smiled a watery smile and waved to the kids. The kids all waved back and the boys were shouting I love yous.

“I love you Bones, you make sure to hug my babies tight for me.”

“Love you too Jim, consider them hugged.” Bones pulled his arms around everyone in a big hug. He was roaring as he hugged each baby and the kids were all yelling back and giggling.

Jim kept snapping pictures.

**Author's Note:**

> One of my favorite McKirk headcanons has to do with the fact that Jim is notoriously bad in the kitchen...cooking food that is! My friend Redford asked if we could see a fic where we get to see just what goes on with Jim. Thus the plot bunny for this fic was born.
> 
> Another dear friend, brought this fic to life because she is James Tiberius Kirk, well in the kitchen anyway. Although she does have perfect hair! She always entertains me with funny (tragic) kitchen stories and when I told her about this idea she started telling me war stories about her time in the trenches, errrm, the kitchen rather. I asked her to send me an email this morning with her greatest hits(and near misses) and here is the result. Jim's quote about no one explaining what words mean in the kitchen is a direct quote from her. She refused to let me give her a writing credit on this fic, so when I win my Oscar for best picture, she's gonna be sorry! 
> 
> I also have this headcanon for Jim and Bones' kids. They are all "J" name babies to pay homage to Joanna! And man did it feel GREAT to stick babies into Bones' arms!! I know I have a baby fic in me somewhere and Jim and Bones are making me work for it!!
> 
> OH and guys! If you're feeling brave, go ahead and leave your favorite kitchen misadventures!! Share with the group!!


End file.
